Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0:

After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that something interesting will happen. On another note, I must admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates I am required to quote. They remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard

Stop smirking, number one.

Riker

I wasn't aware that I was, sir.

Picard

You do, Riker. All the time. And stop leaning against things with your head hunched down between your shoulders.

Riker

[Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir.

FX. [ Tweedlesquirge ]

Data

Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at extreme range.

Picard

Analysis?

Data

It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.

Picard

Then how do you know it's a derelict?

Data

I do not know, sir. I would speculate that it is a writer's error.

Picard

Obviously. Well, let's rubberband our way over there and have a look at it. Geordi, set course.

Geordi

Aye, sir. Three two two point eight nine mark four three.... seven... and some other meaningful numbers.

Picard

Engage.

FX. [ Purrdlefreezowp ]

EXT. Space

FX. [ fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

INT. Bridge

Data

Approaching derelict craft.

Picard

Scan it, Mr. Data.

FX. [ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ]

Data

It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century.

Picard

[Muttering] Not again....

Data

It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent function.

Riker

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Troi

Hey! That's MY line!

Riker

Well, you dropped your cue....

Picard

I will not have petty bickering on my bridge.

Data

Awwww....

Picard

Riker, put together an away team.

Riker

Aye, sir. Geordi, Worf; come with me. [Shouting at ceiling] Lieutenant Tsu to the bridge.

Ceiling

OH, GOODIE!

Picard

And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there.

Riker

Of course, sir.

---

[ Fade. Opening credits. Commerical for Ginsu Knives and a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having gingivitis. ]

---

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5:
We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer. Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate. While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes, I nontheless feel that this is going to be very unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS. STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR. THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE.

[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! The away team appears. ]

Riker

[Tapping communicator] Down and safe.

Worf

Uh, wrong series, sir.

Riker

Ooops...

Picard

Good, number one. Keep the channel open and continue to report.

Riker

Aye, sir.

Picard

And don't smirk.

Riker

Yes, sir.

Geordi

Sir, this doesn't make any sense. This is an ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open space. It should shatter under the pressure.

Riker

That's nothing compared to what I think we're going to find.

Worf

OOoooo. Foreshadowing.

Geordi

[Looking through a disc of plexiglas] Now, this is interesting...

Picard

Describe what you see, Geordi.

Geordi

I see... Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary......

Riker

Come on, Worf. Let's go downstairs.

[ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ]

Riker

Well, here we are downstairs.

Worf

It appears to be the crew's quarters.

[ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a human female in each. ]

Riker

Hey! Lookit what I found!

Picard

What have you found, Number One?

Riker

No, I found two females. They appear to be in some sort of coma.

[ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ]

Worf

Two more humans over here, sir. They also appear to be comatose.

[ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man. ]

Worf

Still more over here, also dead to the universe.

Picard

Let's hope they stay that way.

[ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ]

O.M.

AAGGGHHH!!!! Oh, good heavens! Who are you?? What do you want??

Riker

No such luck, sir.

Picard

Oh, piss...

O.M.

[Pointing at Worf, cowering] What are you??

Worf

I am a Klingon.

O.M.

[Cowering] Oh, how very apt.

[ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of their coma. ]

Man

Who are you? What are doing on my ship?

Woman

Who are they?

Man

I don't know.

Worf

I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.

Riker

Agreed. [Taps comm.] Geordi....

Geordi

...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and.....

Riker

Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!

Geordi

.... er, yes, sir!

Man

Who are you?

Riker

I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf.

Man

Where do you come from? How did you get aboard?

Riker

We're from the Starship Enterprise.

Man

Never heard of it.

[ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks. Geordi enters from the rear of the room. ]

Riker

We're from Starfleet Command.

[ No response. ]

Riker

The United Federation of Planets.

[ Still no response. ]

Riker

Earth, you dullards!

Man

Oh! Sorry. We've been out of touch for a while.

Riker

And you are.....

Man

My name is Robinson. This is my wife, whose name I can't seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't seem to remember; my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.

O.M

[Sheepishly] Hello...

Robinson

And that is Dr. Zachary Smith.

Smith

How do you do, sir. I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth. I fear my powers of perception are failing me.

[ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ]

Voice

Disturbance! Disturbance! I will render assistance.

Robnsn

And that is our robot.

Picard

Riker! What's going on???

Riker

We've encountered six humans and a robot. They seem ordinary enough, though they haven't heard of the Federation.

Data

I recommend we beam them over, sir.

Picard

You would.

Geordi

I concur with Data, sir. That plate glass window is going to go at..... Any Moment!

Picard

Oh, very well. But keep them out of my way.

Tsu

[Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think you do] I'm here, sir.

Picard

Good. Take Geordi's station.

Riker

Transporter room!

Xport

Sir.

Picard

Nine people and a robot to beam over.

Xport

Ready to beam you over, sir.

Riker

Engage.

Xport

You mean "energize".

Riker

Oh, yeah. Right.

Xport

........ Well?

Riker

ENERGIZE!!!!!!

[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY. THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH. THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING. PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI. THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD.

McCoy

Dammit, Picard. What do you think you're doing throwing these peoples' molecules all over creation?

Picard

Admiral McCoy! What are you doing here?

McCoy

Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway?

Picard

She wasn't cute enough.

McCoy

You must be kidding!

Troi

Captain....

Picard

Yes, counselor.

Troi

I'm sensing great stupidity.

Picard

Who from?

Troi

Everyone.

McCoy

That's unsurprising. I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it's barely measureable, even all the way down to the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three Reagans apiece.

Troi

No, sir. It's more than just the people we picked up from the ship. It's much greater than that....

Ceiling

Captain, this is Ensign Tsu. The helm has just gone down. I can't navigate the ship.

Picard

Go to manual control.

Ceiling

Sir, that trick never works.

Picard

Try it, anyway.

Ceiling

Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname. The fire sprinklers just went off down here, but we don't know why. Everything's getting wet. Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here...

Picard

Turn them off, engineer.

Ceiling

We can't, sir. The faucet handle broke off in my hand.

Picard

[Rhetorically] What is going on????

Ceiling

Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.

Picard, Data, Riker, McCoy, Geordi, Worf, Troi

Shut up, Wesley!

Ceiling

But sir! Holodeck two just turned itself inside out. And it's not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

[ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ]

Ceiling

...Though it is kinda neat.

---

[ Fade to black. A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar. Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese excuse for a Jeep. ]

---

Captain's Log, Supplemental:
I've given up on stardates. It's probably meaningless, anyway. My ship is in total chaos. Utterly impossible things are happening all over the ship, seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, or even common sense, the holodeck notwithstanding. It's like a nightmare.

Picard

Riker, you're smirking again.

Riker

Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.

Picard

I find nothing amusing about it. You can't run a starship with chaos running rampant. I didn't get where I am today by letting chaos run rampant.

Leonard Rositter

Of course not, C.J.

Riker

Where did he come from?

Data

I believe it is a reference to a old British entertainment series.

Picard

Good God! Everyone's being infected. Even me!

Ceiling

Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat. The toilets have just backed up into the warp drive. It'll take time to clear.

Picard

WHAT!!?????

Ceiling

In the meantime, we have...... No Power!

Picard

[Rhetorically] This is unbelievable.

Ceiling

And the fire sprinklers are still running. We're working on it.

[ Pshhhhhh. The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin and a rather delapidated tabby cat. ]

Penguin

[Approaching Picard] How do you do. I'm Mr. P. Opus. George Bush is a wimp. I'd like you to meet my running mate, Bill the Cat.

Bill

Ack! Phft!!

[ Pshhhhhh. Wesley enters from the other turbolift. ]

Wesley

Sorry, sir. They got loose from the holodeck. It's going absolutely berserk. Tasha even walked out and handed me an old pulp-paper publication entitled Playboy.

Data

Is she still there?

Wesley

Dunno. Why don't you go look?

[ Data gets up to leave. ]

Picard

AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!

Data

But sir....

[ Pshhhhhhh. The Robot enters. ]

Robot

[Flailing arms] DANGER! DANGER! WARNING! DANGER! WARNING WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!

Picard

Why are you yelling that?

Robot

I don't know. It seems appropriate somehow.

[ PFFT! The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and quite boorish man. ]

Viewer

TV... or MTV? [PFFT! Same thing, only female this time.] TV... or MTV?

Picard

[In a perfect Graham Chapman twang] WHAT IS GOING ON!!?????

Data

We appear to be intercepting some old Earth transmissions, sir.

[ Pshhhhh. Will Robinson enters. ]

Robot

DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Will

What is it, Robot?

Robot

Unknown intelligence nearby. Danger!

[ Pshhhhhh. Dr. Smith enters. Picard is fuming. ]

Smith

There you are, you bubble-headed booby! I have chores for you.

Robot

DANGER! DANGER!

[ Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack. ]

Smith

That'll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!

Picard

[Smoke pouring out of his ears] EVERYONE GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!

Riker

Aye, sir.

Picard

NOT YOU!!

Ceiling

Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface. We're up to our waists here with water from the fire sprinklers. Some of the waterproof components are starting to rust.

Smith

[At ceiling] You incompetent ninny! Where did you study engineering?

Ceiling

I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and......

Picard

OUT!!! OUT!!! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker

Yes sir.

Picard

NOT YOU!!!!

[ The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel. Picard sits down, ready to spit venom. ]

Troi

I sense great frustration, sir.

Picard

No shit, Sherlock.

Troi

You mustn't blame yourself, sir. You are not at fault. Some greater force is at work.

Picard

Shut up, Wesley.

Troi

Huh?

Picard

[At ceiling] Bridge to Medical Bay. Doctor.....

Ceiling

This is the Medical Bay. All our lines are busy. Please hold; your call will be answered in the order it was received. [Muzak]

[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard

Computer!!!

Computer

Hi there! Whatever your problem, I'm here to help you solve it. All I want to do is to make your day more and more bearable.

[ Picard is stunned rigid. He ambles in a daze over to his ready room. ]

Door

[Pshhhhhh] Thank you for making a simple door very happy.

CUT TO PICARD'S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the tropical fish in it). PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY DUMBFOUNDED. RIKER ENTERS.

Door

[Pshhhhh] Glad to be of service.

Riker

Shut up. [To Picard] Sir, are you all right?

Picard

I've lost control.

Riker

Sir, I don't know what's going on.

Picard

So what else is new?

Riker

There's no need to be abusive, sir.

Picard

It makes me feel better, Number One.

Riker

Sir, there has to be some external force at work. All this chaos couldn't happen naturally. I mean, everyone's acting so stupid...

[ You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head. ]

Picard

STUPID! That's IT!! Counselor Troi mentioned something about stupidity just before all hell broke loose. Where is she?

Riker

Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar's quarters to pick out a new costume for herself.

Picard

Let's go. [They get up.]

Door

[Pshhhhh] Thank you so very much.

Picard

Stick it up your nose. [To Data] Data, come with me. Tsu, you have the con.

Tsu

Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

[ They enter the turbolift. ]

Picard

Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift

I'm fine; how are you?

Picard

I said, Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift

I'm fine; how are you?

Picard

Now what!?

Data

Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.

Riker

Go for it.

Data

Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data. If you don't take us to Yar's quarters pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major databank with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget. Understand?

[ Silence. ]

Data

Okay. Get the axe.

[ The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters. Picard and Riker eye Data quizzically. ]

Data

A literary reference, sir. Given the current situation, it seemed appropriate.

[ The door opens, and they exit. ]

CUT TO YAR'S STATEROOM. PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.

Picard

Counselor Troi! Where are you?

[ Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar wore for Data. ]

Troi

Hello, Umzadi.

Riker

Troi! Uh....

Troi

I sense great desire...

Picard

Good God! Troi's been affected, too.

Data

Rather well, it would seem.

Riker

Sir, if you don't mind.....

Picard

Oh, go ahead. You're no use to me, anyway. Go do something productive for a change.

Riker

Aye, sir. [ Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with Troi. Picard and Data enter the hallway. ]

Picard

Now what do we do?

Data

If I may recommend, sir. Since all the trouble began with the arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem prudent to question them.

Picard

Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data. Let's get some answers.

---

[ Fade to black. Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on people, followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial. K-Tel offers you every Top 10 hit ever made. Trained professionals demonstrate a Popiell Pocket Fisherman, since no normal human could use them; and a banana slug tries to sell you a used car. ]

---

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard

Right. I want some answers, and I want them now.

Will

Two plus two is four.

Mother

Be quiet, dear.

Will

Where's Lassie, mom?

Mother

I left that series, dear.

Picard

Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.

Mr. Robinson

[To Data] Are you an android?

Data

[Getting upset] No! I'm an eggplant!! WHY DOES EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT??? [Starts jumping up and down]

Picard

Data! Why are you getting upset?

Data

[Reverting instantly to his normal self] Getting upset is a human trait, and I do try to be more human....

Picard

Well, stop it. [To family] Now, I want some answers. Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why.

Mr. Robinson

No idea.

Mother

Got me.

Penny

Duh....

Co-Pilot

Let me get back to you on that.

Robot

Danger! Unknown intelligence nearby!

Smith

Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!

Will

Captain? I'd like to help if I can.

Picard

Oh, great. Another boy genius. I should have signed onto a trawler or something.

Data

I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly, Captain.

Picard

[Sighs] Oh, all right. Tell me how you got all the way out here.

Will

Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri. But our robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course. Since then, we've been Lost In Space....

[ Stupid music starts up. ]

Picard

Stop that! Stop that! Stop it!

[ Music runs down. ]

Picard

Please go on.

Will

Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying us. The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble.

Smith

[Indignant] Such gratitude! And after all the help I've rendered...

Picard

Shut up!! [To Will] So how long have you been out here?

Will

I don't really know.

Picard

Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth?

Will

Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen, and we'd get lost again.

Picard

What would happen?

Will

Oh.... It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a space walk for no reason, or....

Picard

STUPID! Are you sure?

Will

Oh, yeah. It was always something really dumb.

Picard

Thank you. You have been helpful. [To Data] Let's go.

[ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ]

Picard

What do you think, Data?

Data

Penny is cute....

Picard

No no no no!! What do you think of their story?

Data

I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation that is upon us now. However, I believe that whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us.

Picard

Speculation?

Data

I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds on stupidity.

Picard

What? You mean we're reusing a plot device?

Data

It has been done before, sir. If you'll recall in The Naked Now...

Picard

Yes, yes, I know...

Data

This situation seems far more amusing, however...

Picard

Never mind your editorial remarks, Data. How do you propose to eliminate this creature?

Data

To eliminate it, we must first locate it.

Picard

And how do we do that?

Data

Are you completely helpless or something?

Picard

Humor me!

Data

It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter of the stupid activity.

Picard

The holodeck?

Data

A good place to start, sir.

Comm

Captain Picard? This is Chief Engineer Snidely P. Whiplash. We're up to our chests in it now...

Picard

Why don't you just beam the water out?

Comm

Oh, no, sir. That's far too obvious.

Picard

What are you doing about it?

Comm

I've got my best men working on it....

[ In the background: ]

Man

You numbskull!! [SLAP!]

Man

Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Man

And you! [BONK!]

Man

Ow!

Man

Hey, leave him alone!

Man

Oh, a wise guy... [TOINK!]

Picard

Dear God. Should we set self-destruct?

Data

Unadviseable, sir. It would probably malfunction. I suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible. Delay could be fatal.

Picard

Agreed. [Taps comm.] Computer....

Computer

Hi there!

Picard

[Winces] Hi. Sound Red Alert.

Computer

Sure thing!

[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer

How's that?

Picard

Wonderful. Thank you. [Glances heavenward. Taps comm. again] Worf!

Worf

Sir!

Picard

Meet us at holodeck two. And don't take the turbolifts. Bring Geordi with you.

Worf

At once, sir.

Picard

Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?

Worf

Stupidity is too much like..... bathing!

Picard

[Shakes head] Picard out. Let's go, Data.

---

[ Fade to black. John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's. Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds." ]

---

PICARD AND DATA WALK THE HALLS OF THE ENTERPRISE. THEY AVOID THE TURBOLIFTS LIKE THE PLAGUE, TAKING THE GANGWAYS INSTEAD.

Data

Caution is recommended, sir. Anything could happen.

[ A giant 16-ton weight falls from nowhere and crashes to the deck. ]

Picard

Understood, Data.

[ Pshhhhh. A nearby set of doors opens to reveal a moose standing erect on its hind legs, and a squirrel wearing a leather flight helmet. ]

Moose

Rocky, I don't think we're in Frostbite Falls anymore.

Squirrel

Don't be silly, Bullwinkle. This is the Starship Enterprise.

Moose

Are you sure? I used to watch that show all the time, and this doesn't look anything like it.

Squirrel

Silly, this is the new Enterprise.

Moose

[Pointing to Picard] Who's that guy?

Picard

I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

Moose

You've got to be kidding.

Squirrel

He's the new Captain, Bullwinkle....

Moose

You'd think they would have found a cure for baldness after 300 years.

Picard

Phasers on kill, Mr. Data.

Moose

Oooo! I always wanted to see what those looked like from this angle...

Squirrel

Oh, Bullwinkle...

Picard

Fire!

[ PHWATT!! The moose and squirrel disintegrate. ]

Picard

I wish I'd thought of that before. Let's hurry before something else stupid happens.

[ Before they can get twenty feet, another door opens to reveal a well-dressed man holding a briefcase. ]

Man

Excuse me, Captain, but I'm afraid you'll have to cease and desist this story immediately.

Picard

Ignore him, Data. [They try and move on, but the man obstructs their path]

Man

I'm sorry, sir, but I have an injunction. [Produces thick legal document] I'm afraid this show infringes on the look-and-feel of my client's copyrighted works. You'll have to cease immediately, pending a lengthy and obscenely expensive civil suit.

Picard

Infringement?! What are you talking about?

Man

Your companion, Mr. Data. He clearly infringes on my client's copyrighted character, C3PO.

Data

[Aside to Picard] It's a lawyer, sir. Very dangerous.

Picard

Understood. [To lawyer] Ahem. Writ ex-post-facto habeas corpus, ipso-facto, injunction hearing, irreperable harm disclaimer, and overturned on appeal.

Man

[Confused] Mr. Picard, you're talking nonsense.

Picard

So are you. FIRE!

[ PHWATT!! Data and Picard fire at... POINT BLANK RANGE! The lawyer slowly collapses, and his chest bursts open. Zillions of little white cockroaches fly out. A mother creature identical to the one in Conspiracy rears up from the chest cavity and shrieks. Picard and Data phaser it to smithereens. ]

Picard

I hope that's the last of them.

Data

Quickly, sir. Time is of the essence.

PICARD AND DATA CLIMB A GANGWAY TO THE HOLODECK LEVEL. THEY EMERGE INTO THE HALLWAY.

Picard

What could happen now?

Data

Absolutely anything, sir.

[ There is a loud BEEP BEEP from behind. Picard jumps straight up into the ceiling, banging his head. He turns to find a very large road runner standing there. It sticks its tongue out at him. Picard fires his phaser, but the bird takes off down the hall, outrunning it. The phaser beam instead blasts a very large black duck at the end of the hall, who is now burnt and smoking. ]

Duck

[Wholly indignant and sarcastic] Shoot me again! I love the smell of ionized air! And burnt feathers! I'm an Elk! Go ahead and shoot me! I'm a Fiddler Crab!! Why don't you shoot me?!?? IT'S FIDDLER CRAB SEASON!!!!!

[ Picard obliges. PHWATT!! The duck ceases to exist. ]

Data

Classical physics may no longer apply here, Captain.

Picard

Let's hurry up.

[ Picard and Data run down the hall. As they approach an intersection, they hear a horrible grinding noise that grows louder. As they arrive, a large blue box appears out of nowhere, with a flashing white light on top of it. The door to the box opens, and a female emerges. ]

Female

[Screams bloody murder. A nearby transparent aluminum panel shatters.]

[ An appallingy badly dressed man emerges from the box. ]

Man

What is it, Mel?

Female

Oh, nothing Doctor. I just felt like screaming.

[ Picard raises his phaser. ]

Data

No, sir. They may be useful.

Picard

They're looney toons, Data.

[ Stupid music starts. ]

Picard

Stop that!! Stop it!!

[ Music runs down. ]

Man

Hello. I'm the Doctor, and this is my friend Mel.

Picard

I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. This is Lieutenant Commander Data.

Doctor

An android?

Picard

No, he's an eggplant.

Data

Thank you, sir.

Doctor

He sure beats the hell out of Kamelion...

Picard

Why do you think they're useful, Data?

Data

The woman's scream may be useful as a diversion.

Picard

Agreed.

Doctor

[Sarcastically] Thank you! I can be useful, too, you know.

Picard

Somehow, I doubt it. But come along anyway.

[ The Doctor locks up the blue box and he and Mel follow along. They walk along the corridor, now very close to the Holodeck. ]

Singing

Love, exciting and new, come aboard, we're expecting you....

[ Picard and Data fire in the direction of the voice out of reflex. ]

Voice

Love, life's sweetest re.... [PHWATT!!] AAGGGHHH!!!

Voice

Gimme a light!

[ Data spins around and blasts its owner. ]

Voice

[Just before completely disintegrating] No, Bud Light.... AAGGGHH!!

[ Picard and Co. approach the last intersection before the holodeck. Worf and Geordi are there. ]

Picard

Excellent Worf. You made it.

Worf

Not without difficulty, sir. We had to phaser our way through several dozen blue dwarves wearing white stockings on their heads. I found it quite satisfying.

Picard

Geordi, what's your assessment?

Geordi

I'm scanning through the entire spectrum. Nothing makes any sense, though it does look really cool.

Picard

Can you discern any center of activity?

Geordi

No sir, not directly. The activity appears to be coming from within the holodeck itself.

Picard

Right everyone. Phasers set to industrial strength kill.

Worf

I only have a Dustbuster, sir.

Picard

Set it to "shag rug" and let's go.

[ Picard and Co. approach the open holodeck door. Light, gas, dust, and all manner of stuff is spewing forth from the door, not unlike the scenes from Poltergeist. Wesley is at the door, fooling with some circuit panel. ]

Picard

Wesley! What are you doing?

Wesley

I'm trying to get my Mom to come back!

Picard

You can't do that! Gene fired her!

Wesley

I don't care! I'll bring her back at all costs!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

[ Worf slugs Wesley in the gut, who doubles over and falls motionless to the floor. ]

Picard

Good work, Worf. Geordi, what do you see?

Geordi

I'm sorry sir, but my batteries just went dead. I shoulda used Duracells....

Picard

Dura-what?

Geordi

Lasts millions of times longer than regular carbon batteries.... [Geordi starts going bonkers.]

Data

He appears to have been completely engulfed by the force inside, sir.

[ Picard adjusts his phaser to stun, and shoots Geordi. Geordi falls unconscious on the floor. ]

Picard

That should keep him out of trouble, as well as keeping him out of our way. Deep breath, everyone. We're going in.

[ They plunge into the maelstrom. ]

---

[ Fade to black. More banana slugs. Vidal Sasoon doesn't look good. Time magazine tries to entice you with a cheap phone. And of course it's absolutely vital that you call 976-1212; directory assistance for 976 services (all calls $2 plus toll). ]

---

[ Picard and Co. plough through the insanity. All is chaos for a few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find themselves in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room. The walls are adorned with gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies, and mementos. Several posters adorn the walls, apparently advertising various forms of entertainment, including Under The Cherry Moon, Hello, Marin, Hello, Heaven's Gate, and Lorimar Telepictures. Three men are seated at the head of the table. ]

Man

Welcome, Captain Picard.

Data

[Aside to Picard] This is it, sir. This is the core of the disturbance.

Man

Quite right, Mister Data, quite right. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Aaron Spelling. This is my good friend, Glen A. Larson...

Glen

How do you do.

Aaron

And this is Steven J. Cannell.

Steve

Hello.

Aaron

Please, sit down.

Picard

No, thank you. What's happened to my ship?

Aaron

Relax, Captain, relax. It's the natural order of things. Some refreshments!

[ Aaron claps his hands. A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray and sets it down upon the table. ]

Aaron

Thank you, Vanna. [She turns around once, then exits.]

Picard

What do you mean, the natural order of things?

Aaron

Surely, you're aware of the principle of entropy?

Picard

Of course.

Aaron

We are merely carrying that principle to its natural conclusion: The entropy of human intelligence.

Picard

But man isn't naturally stupid.....

Aaron

Oh, but he is, Captain. Simply observe for yourself how easily your ship and your crew succumbed to even the simplest of our techniques.

Picard

Fortunate happenstance. We weren't expecting it...

Aaron

I'm afraid not, Captain. We've successfully subjected entire nations to these techniques, and they have capitulated quite readily. They've even welcomed it.

Picard

Welcomed it?!??!!! No doubt you didn't give them a choice!

Aaron

Oh, but we did, Captain. They could have stopped at any time. All they had to do was turn us off. There were plenty of alternatives. Movies, live theatre -- something which I understand you're familiar with --, even PBS. But they chose to stay with us. We didn't make that choice for them. Humans want to be stupid, Picard. Otherwise, we would not have been successful. Look at your own history. Drug abuse, religious wars of all kinds, American politics, the legal profession, rec.humor, talk.bizarre, IBM, Apple.... The list goes on and on.

Picard

We've grown beyond that. To quote my first officer, we're not savages anymore.

Aaron

Ah, yes. Your first officer, who is currently participating in various forms of debauchery without protection, which by now your species should realize is the height of stupidity. No, Captain. Your species is no better now than it was a thousand years ago.

Picard

He's under your influence! He wouldn't do such a thing of his own accord. How can you call yourselves superior when you treat those beneath you so harshly?

Aaron

It's not like we're heartless monsters, Captain. We do have morals, and it pains us to see your species so easily taken in.

Steve

I even chose to pull one of my own creations off, partly because it was too stupid even for your species....

Picard

[Fishing] But mostly because....

Steve

[Eagerly completing sentence] It wasn't profitable anymore...

Aaron

Shhhhh!!!!

[ Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another. A lightbulb goes on above all three of them. ]

Worf

FERENGI, SIR!!

[ At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear- shatterer. All the tumblers on the tray burst into pieces. Aaron, Glen, and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain to shut out the unexpected sound. Worf, who is used to such sounds, drops, rolls, and comes up with his phaser firing. He hits Steve, who falls to the ground. His disguise dissolves, revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.

[ Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dumptruck nearby turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five frames per second. Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches him in the head, and Worf is knocked unconscious.

[ Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen, who crumples to the floor. His disguise dissolves, too.

[ Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body flops to the ground. ]

Data's head

Oh dear!

[ Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted. Picard recovers from the ordeal. He looks to the end of the table to see Aaron, or rather, the Ferengi officer. Picard raises his phaser and fires.

[ POING! A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!" ]

Ferengi

It is too late, Picard Captain. Your ship will transmit our stupidity waves across your entire Federation. Your species will be turned into babbling nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly from your species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at inflated prices.

[ He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him. ]

Ferengi

Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!

[ The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls through a trap door that appears out of nowhere. There is a long descending whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW". ]

[ Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen: ]

Box

WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!

[ The Doctor runs in abject terror. ]

Box

Look at this studio! Filled with glamorous bonus prizes! Fabulous and exciting merchandise!!

[ Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the screen. ]

Box

Our first puzzle is a phrase. [Doo dee ding dong]

Data's head

Sir!! Destroy the box!! Quickly!

Box

"One-fifty." "S!" BZZT! "Nope, no S."

Picard

With what?

Data's head

Anything!!!!

Box

"Two hundred..."

Picard

There's nothing here! What should I use?!?!??!

Data's head

R! Guess R!

Box

"P!" BZZZT! "Nope, no P."

Data's head

You idiot!!

[ Data is lost to the stupidity wave. Picard forces himself toward the device. The box has a slot with the legend "Tape". ]

Picard

[Summoning all his will power] COMPUTER!

Computer

Hi there!

Picard

Eject the tape!!

Computer

[BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want to do that?

Picard

YES!!!!

Computer

[BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you absolutely sure? It's not finished with yet....

[ Picard ignores the question. He manages to look at the conference table, and notices a stack of papers. He grabs the stack, and removes the paper clip holding them together. He bends it straight, and shoves it into a hole next to the tape slot. The tape promptly ejects. However, the screen does not go blank. ]

Box

Yes, there are three F's. [Ding. Ding. Ding.]

Picard

DATA! WHAT DO I DO!!???

Data's head

Guess R! Guess R!

[ In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen with all the strength he can muster. The tape case and screen crack. The screen goes blank. For a moment, all is quiet. Then, the tape and screen start arcing, slowly at first, but gaining in intensity. Picard steps back. ]

Data's head

[Recovering] Sir! You must get it off the ship at once, and get as far away as possible!

[ Picard moves to put Data back together. ]

Data's head

No sir! There's no time for that! You must get it off the ship now!!!

[ By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to pick up. He wracks his brains.... ]

Picard

Computer! Exit!

Computer

Sure thing!

[ The exit appears. Picard rushes outside to find the nearest transporter. The ship is still in chaos. Thousands of tubes of pump- format Crest For Kids obstruct his path. He stumbles over a Pet Rock. He rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in a white suit. ]

Man

Welcome to Fantasy Starship! I am Mr. Rork, your host.

[ Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him. ]

Dwarf

Oooo, dat wasn't verry nice!

[ Picard phasers him, too. He continues to rush down the corridor. Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle painted black with flickering red lights on the front rounds the corner and speeds toward Picard at 100 MPH. Picard attempts to phaser it, but the beam simply bounces off with some cheap pyrotechnics. ]

Car

Michael! There's a man obstructing the corridor!

Driver

I see him. Turbos, buddie!

[ PWAFFFF!! The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into the wall behind him. The car is demolished. ]

Car

That was pretty damn stupid, Michael....

Driver

Well, it's always worked before....

[ Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation. He speeds down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges several religious fanatics with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the transporter room.

[ Picard scrabbles at the controls. He programs the computer to connect to the holodeck's interprocess communication port, and extract the box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the transporter platform. In moments, the box/tape appears, arcing wildly. Picard punches in random coordinates frantically, and energizes. The box/tape disappears. ]

Picard

[Punching comm. panel] Ensign Tsu!!

Tsu

Yo!

Picard

Get us out of here!! Warp nine!!

Tsu

But I want to see if she wins the bonus round...

[ Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway. He runs to a bridge- access turbolift, and suddenly remembers that the only way on to the main bridge is by turbolift. Cursing again, he spins around and heads for engineering.

[ He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing in the hallway. He rounds another corner, and collides with a heavy-set man with glasses, and a pocket protector. He is holding a thick tome of stapled pages. ]

Man

Hi. We're thinking of implementing the keyword noalias. What do you think? Not that what you think makes any difference....

Picard

[Picking himself up] Huh?

Man

We're also going to make the string space read-only, and enforce parenthetical groupings in all cases. We feel this will go a long way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and Ada.

Picard

What about binary constants?

Man

Sorry, no way. No prior art....

[ PHWATT!! Picard phasers him and the tome. He continues running. In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering, and nearly runs into it, since it fails to open. Picard waves his arms around, but nothing happens. ]

Picard

COMPUTER!

Computer

Hi there!

Picard

Open this door!

Computer

[BINGGGGGGGGGG...] Are you sure you want me to do that?

Picard

YES!!!!

Computer

Okay, you asked for it!

[ Pshhhhhhhh! Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water. Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each other. ]

Man 1

You idiots! [THUMP! BONK!]

Man 2&3

Oooff!

[ Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console. ]

Picard

Engineer!

Engineer

Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.

Picard

Start the main engines!

Engineer

But we haven't unclogged the toilets yet.....

Picard

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!!

Engineer

No, but the toilets will if we start the engines. [Into comm. panel] How are you two making out down there?

Female

Laverne! Get your head out of the matter-antimatter reactor!

Female

I can't, Shirley! My hairpins are caught! Hand me the magnetic scissors...

Female

You mean this?

Female

No! Not that! [BLAM! static....]

Picard

[Losing it] START THE ENGINES!! NOW!!!

Engineer

[Capitulating] Aye aye, sir.

[ Airhead presses the engine start button. Immediately, all the toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth odiferous guck. A disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight. ]

Picard

Course is set! WARP NINE, NOW!!!

Engineer

But sir!....

Picard

NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!

[ Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button. ]

CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:

[ RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB.... *SPLOWFFFF!!!!* Water spurts out of every conceivable engine orifice.

[ fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

Picard

Computer! Rear viewer!

Computer

Righto!

[ The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view of the rear of the ship. Stars streak off into the void at warp nine. Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most expensive explosion ILM ever made goes off. The entire ship is flooded with an intense white hazy light. The ship rocks violently. People are bouncing off the walls. Sparks fly everywhere. ]

CUT TO YAR'S BEDROOM.

Troi

Oh, Umzadi! In-CREDIBLE!

Riker

[Smirking] Uh, thanks.

Cut to external shot of explosion effects. ILM struts their stuff like never before. Not a single matte line anywhere! As the explosion subsides, the resulting cloud forms itself into the vague shape of a clown's head. And despite the total vacuum of space, we can barely make out a voice, which seems to utter, "I have complete faith in Ed Meese." Soon, all is dark and silent.

Cut back to engineering. Picard is leaning against the control panel. He awakens, and looks about.

Picard

[Shouting at ceiling] Bridge! Ensign Tsu!

Ceiling

Aye, sir.

Picard

Damage report.

Ceiling

[Pause] No damage, sir.

Picard

No damage?? That's impossible!!

Ceiling

With all due respect sir, so was everything else that happened in this kooky story.

Picard

[Reflecting] Hmmm. Quite right, Ensign. I'm on my way up.

CUT TO BRIDGE. THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED. DATA IS IN ONE PIECE AGAIN.

Picard

So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the chaos on the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.

Data

Correct, sir. Since there was no logical foundation for the chaos to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi device was destroyed.

Picard

Hmmmm... Do you suppose that they may try again?

Data

Unknown.

Riker

I certainly hope not. What do you think, Deanna?

[ Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker. ]

Worf

I think the Ferengi will not try again. They do not have the necessary bravery.

Picard

Yes, Worf. You were unaffected. Aren't Klingons susceptible to stupidity?

Worf

[Shakes head] Klingons are immune to all forms of human weakness.

Geordi

Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.

Picard

We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf. It would seem that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to do. Data, lay in a course for Starbase One. We're in serious need of some R&R.

Data

Course plotted and laid in, sir.

Picard

Engage.

[ Freedlezrowp! ]

Riker

What about the Robinson family?

Picard

What about them?

Riker

Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?

Data

I'd like to keep the Robot, if I may. It could prove most intriguing.

Picard

Absolutely not! I'm having them transferred to the USS Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight months. It'll give them time to get a clue.

Geordi

What about The Doctor and Mel?

Data

Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device. The Doctor regenerated into a different actor with much better fashion sense, entered his blue box, and disappeared.

Picard

Good. I didn't have much use for them.

[ FOOMP! A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head. Picard eyes him with some regard. ]

Riker

It was Data's idea sir. He's still exploring the nature of human humor.

Picard

Excellent, Data! You're beginning to get the idea.

Wesley

I'm going to sell you for scrap, Data.

Picard

Shut up, Wesley.

[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard

And don't smirk, Number One.

Riker

Sir.

Picard

And stop hunching your head between your shoulders!