Leo L. Schwab's Home Page

The Results of an Engineer with Too Much Free Time On His Hands.

Last updated 2009.03.06

News 1998.09.16

New! Improved! Tastes great! Less filling! Now with colorsafe bleach! Won't harm porcelain! ISO-9002 certified! Save up to 50%, or more! No MSG! Fresh pine scent! Machine-washable! Year-2000 Compliant! Official sponsor of the Justice Department's probe into Microsoft!

It has been nearly a year (!) since I last updated this site. I've gone through and cleaned up a lot of stuff. Old cruft has been removed and replaced with new cruft. All kinds of stuff has been moved around. If you thought you knew the layout of this site, you probably don't anymore, so dig in! Thanks for visiting!

New links will appear at the top of the respective lists, with the date they were added (in the format YYYY.MM.DD). No animals were harmed in the making of this Web site. This site was prepared entirely using (brace yourself) vi.

Stuff by Me

1998.07.14: The Addiction that is Quake
BOOM! PowPowPowPowPowPowPow! Fzzzzztt! BLAM! Vrrrkkkk!! Chooff! bong... bong... BOOM...! You get the idea...
Last updated 1999.04.08.
1998.07.11: Things That Suck
We all have little things that annoy us. However, I've never been one to think small. As evidence of my surfeit of free time, I offer this closely-reasoned list which I hope you will agree are Things That Suck.
Last updated 1999.06.16.
1997.01.05: AmigaWare by ewhac
In 1985, a machine of inexpressible coolness emerged from a small company in Los Gatos, CA, called the Amiga. I bought one, and ended up doing a fair amount of work on it, which earned me a measure of notoriety. These pages contain much of the stuff I created for the system, along with some historical background. Even if you never touched an Amiga, you might find some of this interesting.
Last updated 1997.01.05.
1996.01.03: News from The Alternate Universe
Can't imagine anything weirder than the real world? Check this out...
Latest entry 2000.08.08.
1995.12.29: The Semi-Agnostic Pedestrian Theatre of the Aggressively Confused Somnambulist
"Say what?" Some random opinion pieces and essays on no particular subject.
Latest entry 1999.02.24.
1995.10.28: My Turn on The Lord of The Rings.
After reading the first book and most of the second, this idea for how the story might end flashed into my mind...
1995.10.15: Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation.
A Star Trek parody wherein the Enterprise-D encounters the Robinson family from Lost in Space.

Miscellaneous and Sundry

1999.02.23: The Anti-Spam Manifesto
I wrote this in a fit of rage back in April 1998, after receiving one spam too many that day. I recently rediscovered it while cleaning out my laptop, and thought it was pretty darn good as a piece of writing (despite the fact that I was cheesed off when I wrote it). So I decided to place it here. The work is, alas, completely fictional. But don't tell the spammers that...
1998.07.29: The Origin of "ewhac"
It's pronounced, "EH-wack." Now you can find out where my weird username comes from.
1998.07.15: Old 3DO Stuff
Years ago, I had tremendous enthusiasm for The 3DO Company. This page contains a few things born of that enthusiasm.
1996.10.20: My Doer's Profile
Executive summary of Leo Schwab...
Last updated 1999.02.01.
1995.12.14: The Genesis of alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb.
Believe it or not, I'm the guy who newgrouped it, back in April of 1993. This is the actual newgroup message I sent out (I save everything).
1995.12.09: Mug shots of me and some friends.
Actual recent photos of me that don't suck.
Last updated 1998.04.28.

Stuff by Other People

1999.06.10: Uncle Jimbo's Story Hour
Uncle Jimbo (a/k/a James Putnam) currently works for NVIDIA Corporation as their "Alternative OS" (i.e. things that aren't Windoze) support guy, and I met him in the course of writing a BeOS graphics driver for their RIVA chips. I later discovered that he enjoys writing, too, and his work is fairly entertaining. It reminds me a bit of Jon Carroll's work; short, lighthearted stories and essays that occasionally ramble about and never fail to amuse.
1997.01.25: Jon Carroll at The Gate
Jon Carroll is a daily columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle. Sometimes he writes thoughtful stuff. Sometimes he writes important stuff. Usually he writes funny stuff. Being a recrational and occasionally professional writer myself, I admire Jon's writing because he's able to comprehensively express ideas and create very rich imagery with an amazing economy of words, a skill I'd like to learn.
1997.01.13: The Internet Oracle
Like the Dysfunctional Family Circus (q.v.), the concept is simple: Email a question to the Oracle, who will provide you with an answer. As payment for the sage advice, you must answer a question submitted by someone else. You don't know whose question you're answering, and you don't know who's answering your question. The result is a unique, and sometimes hilarious, form of collective humor. I'm a priest to the Oracle, which means I get to sift through all the completed transactions and pick the ones I think should go into the digests, published on rec.humor.oracle. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it...
1997.01.12: Talin's Home Page
I met Talin (a/k/a David Joiner) back in the fabled Amiga Days, and I'm privileged to be able to call him a friend. I can only sit on the sidelines and wistfully wish I was as skilled and prolific as this guy. A true rennaisance man, he writes computer software, composes music, writes articles and essays, paints, designs and builds costumes, and he's a nice guy, too! Do yourself a favor and turn image loading on; it's a gorgeous page.
1996.03.04: The Dysfunctional Family Circus
Heartwarming cartoons by Bil Keane gone horribly awry. The concept is distressingly simple: Take Family Circus cartoons and allow the denizens of the Net to supply captions. What isn't disturbingly dark is hysterically funny. Every bit as funny is It's a Dysfunctional Life, which is the same premise, except it's done with real-life photos. I've been known to occasionally contribute to the insanity. (Be sure to check out the rest of the parent site, SpinnWebe, while you're at it.)
1996.02.12: Declaration of the Independence of Cyberspace, by John Perry Barlow.
If you're sick to the teeth of "experts" telling you how bad the Internet is for the nation's moral fiber, have a gawk at this and bask, albeit briefly, in smug superiority. C'mon, you know you want to...
1995.10.20: Real Astrology, by Rob Brezsny.
Forget everything you ever thought a horoscope was...
1995.07.12: BIG.MONEY.NOW, by Mike Jittlov.
A parody of multi-level marketing/MAKE.MONEY.FAST scams. This is a hoot...

Stuff that's Important

Stuff that's Cool

Dilbert, by Scott Adams
'Nuff said.
This Modern World, by Tom Tomorrow
An often incisive weekly political cartoon, starring Sparky the penguin.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Still, after ten years, one of the best shows on television (though some of my friends would disagree). If you've got a lot of time to kill, check out the plot summaries I've written for several MST'ed movies on the Internet Movie Database.
One of the few things that stands between Microsoft and their total domination of everything. The link above is just one of thousands of resources available on the Net to help you learn about and get started with Linux.
Slashdot: "News For Nerds. Stuff That Matters."
Are you a Linux/Free Software weenie? Are you a nerd? Are you in the computing industry? Do you own a computer? Have you ever heard the word 'computer'? Then you must visit Slashdot, now. Known as a Web Journal, Slashdot relays many of the most important news developments in the digital sphere, along with moderated feedback fora. I load it up at least three times a day.

People and Companies I Have Worked For

NVIDIA Corporation
Makers of the finest consumer graphics accelerators in the industry, period. I'm working in the Mac OS X OpenGL driver group.
Makers of a surprising variety of stuff. Worked on a prototype media center that sadly got cancelled.
Tapwave, Inc.
Makers of the Zodiac handheld MEGA (Media, Entertainment and Gaming Accessory (an ungainly buzzword I made up)). I did firmware development, and it was the most fun I had in quite a while.
Openwave Systems, Inc.
Software and services for cell phones. Among a ton of other things, they develop Web browsers and application frameworks.
Be, Inc.
Died and swallowed by PalmSource, Inc. A damn shame, too.
Prolific Publishing
Makers of Return Fire and Return Fire II.
The 3DO Company
What's left of it. The number of dreams this inept organization crushed is too large to be counted. See the abysmal performance of their stock by checking StockMaster's chart (keep in mind when viewing it that NASDAQ:THDO IPOed at $15.00). Also see my page of Old 3DO Stuff.
Carl Sassenrath
Back when I worked for him, his company was called Pantaray, and he was working on multi-media technology for CD-ROM-based entertainment consoles. Now he's working on a new programming language "for the rest of us," called REBOL.

Future Plans for This Site

Leo L. Schwab / Digital Spellweaver / ewhac@best.com