For Your Safety and Comfort

30-45 seconds

by Leo L. Schwab


This is extremely fast-paced and frivolous.

All TECHNICIANS wear a white lab coat, glasses, and carry a clipboard.

Interior day. High-tech laboratory; gadgets and blinky-lights everywhere. RESEARCHER wearing traditional white lab coat and glasses, and carrying a clipboard addresses the camera with great urgency and seriousness. Cut to closeup shot of papers containing printouts of impressive but meaningless numbers and charts.
As a modern safety-conscious consumer, you need to know the facts about interactive home entertainment.
Cut to exterior day shot of futuristic-looking building (Marin County Civic Center?), in front of which has been placed a sign reading, "The 3DO Institute." Intercut with interior day shot of TECHNICIANS milling about laboratory.
Researcher (voice over)
Recent studies at The 3DO Institute have yielded the following results:
Cut to shot of 3DO multiplayer on one side of a pan balance. On the other side is a lump of lard (or something). The 3DO is lighter. TECHNICIAN scribbles notes on a clipboard.
Researcher (voice over)
3DO contains no saturated fats or cholesterol.
Cut to closeup shot of 3DO multiplayer inside a plexiglass cage filled with wood shavings and white mice. The mice are crawling all over the 3DO, sniffing it, etc. Outside the cage is a TECHNICIAN staring intently at the activity within.
Researcher (voice over)
3DO does not cause cancer in laboratory animals.
Cut to closeup shot of VOLUNTEER seated before a table, which holds a 3DO. A TECHNICIAN stands behind him, holding a clipboard in one hand, counting the hairs on his head with a pen in the other. Cut to medium shot of another VOLUNTEER seated before a table holding a 3DO. Nearby are three or four TECHNICIANS intently scanning the sky, possibly with binoculars/telescopes. Cut to medium shot of yet another nervous-looking VOLUNTEER covered with electrodes seated next to a table holding a 3DO. Behind him stands ready a FIREMAN in a flameproof suit holding a large fire extinguisher.
Researcher (voice over)
Use of 3DO does not cause increases in hair loss, UFO abduction, or spontaneous human combustion.
Cut to medium shot of a whiteboard. Two technicians stand before it, comparing notes. On the board is a table of characteristics, next to which are checkboxes labelled "Safe" and "Not Safe". All the "Safe" boxes are checked. Cut to wide shot of clean room in laboratory. Biohazard and/or radiation warning signs adorn the walls. Two TECHNICIANS in hazmat/radiation suits (one short, one tall) carry objects about with long tongs. Cut to closeup shot of TECHNICIAN using tongs to place a Sega Genesis next to a Super Nintendo on a table. Needles on nearby instruments resembling Geiger counters stir only slightly.
Researcher (voice over)
Since we're telling you this, you may wonder if harmful effects have been linked to the use of Nintendo or Sega. So far, no.
Cut to extreme close up of RESEARCHER addressing camera.
(particular emphasis) But can you afford to take that risk?
Cut to still of 3DO Compatibility Symbol. Hold for three seconds. Cut to closeup of RESEARCHER addressing camera, with clean room and TECHNICIANS in the background, each carrying a Sega/Nintendo with tongs.
3DO. The most advanced -- and safest -- interactive home entertainment system in the known universe.
As RESEARCHER finishes speech, the two TECHNICIANS accidentally back into each other and drop their respective machines. Alarms and klaxons go off, warning lights flash, and general pandemonium ensues. Fade to black.

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Copyright © 1996 Leo L. Schwab. All Rights Reserved.

Leo L. Schwab / Digital Spellweaver /